Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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