and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
