Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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