Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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