I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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