a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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