So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
