The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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