you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
