I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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