hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
