I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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