just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
