Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
