oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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