Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she looked like the before picture.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
