need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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