My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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