mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
