he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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