Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
