So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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