I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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