I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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