I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
