3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize