I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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