If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
