we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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