i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
