i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
