I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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