M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We left the knife in your bed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
