just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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