I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
