I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
