Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
