I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
