i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
