Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
only you would photoshop your dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
