I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
