can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
