Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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