Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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