I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize