the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
