i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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