How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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