I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize