Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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