remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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