Who wears a wallet chain?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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