ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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