ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
