i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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