I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
