Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
