you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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