The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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