I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
