after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
